From Here to There

No matter how precise you can be about a destination, if you don’t know where you are, it’s impossible to plot a course. This is true for navigating highways as well as the complexity of human emotion. At the moment, I am a bit fuzzy on my “here,” so “there” doesn’t feel within reach.

It’s all about the continuing medicalization of my life, because the ending of 2010 did not terminate the craziness. In short, the presence of my eye prosthetics might be an ongoing cause of increased mucus production which without a nasal airway, causes serious post nasal drip. That might be why the tracheal stenosis of last year is coming back. The leg pain I’ve been experiencing for over a year finally sent me to a doctor and the top two potential explanations both have limiting my walking for a period of time as part of the cure. In light of my new guide dog Emmylou, limited mobility is a wee bit problematic. Optimistically, it would be a refreshing change if my leg pain had an explanation they can not only find but treat.

It seems like I’m in a constant state of falling apart. I feel like less of a person, less a contributing member of society, and somehow less of a positive force. In fact, I feel like a black hole sucking up tons of resources with no return on the investment. Even the language I used – falling apart – shows that I’m perceiving current events as not simply a situation to manage, but a huge life negative. Where did I pick up the idea that having multiple medical issues decreased my value? Who taught me that medical resources should only go to those who would give something back? And when did it become alright for me to entertain the word “broken” in my head?

To be honest, all this medical “crap” is a pain in the butt. Scheduling issues alone sometimes make me want to tear out all my hair and you know how much I love my curls. Should I need to stop walking, it will add to the complexity of my universe. Then there’s the increased contact with the medical profession which tends to see disability in ways contrary to my preferences. Therefore, yes, the medicalization of my life is a pragmatic negative.

Blindness can be a pragmatic negative as can Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, yet I do not believe these decrease my worth. This leads me back to my question” why do I think ongoing medical issues lessen my value?

Possibly I should have waited to write this entry until I could answer my question. Instead, I want to allow people to see that sometimes I struggle with fundamental issues and that I’m not this amazing source of strength. I falter. I don’t have all the answers.

The silver lining in this particular cloud is that I’m completely aware of the ridiculousness of how I’m feeling. However, until I can understand my “here,” I cannot get to a less annoying place.

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About Jen

After acquiring a degree from Vassar College in psychology, I moved to Western Mass where I ran a peer mentoring network for disabled college students as well as activism and organizing around disability issues. I also conducted research on disabled women’s body image. An Upstate New York native, I eventually followed my heliotropic nature to the sun of Southern California. I divide my time between writing (disability fiction and essays) along with moderating San Diego Bisexual Forum which is one of the oldest groups of its kind in the country. In my off hours I can often be found in my neighborhood live music venue enjoying our local talent.

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