Circumstances are unfolding in my life and I find myself without a frame of reference. The voice inside my head that can predict how a given thing will impact my life, from energy it will consume to amount of time needed to process, is without words. The oddest part is that it took me literally more than two weeks to realize this. For the past two-and-a-half years, medical drama has been a fact of my life. It took two of those years for me to stop denying that reality. Now it looks like the cause of my tracheal stenosis is known – my esophagus muscles and my stomach – and that needs to be fixed before my trachea can be addressed. The most viable solution involves surgery just given governmental approval. Then I’ll have to have surgery on my trachea to remove the damaged part. It’s not a common surgery and requires five days of hospitalization to make sure the sewed together ends don’t (Yikes!) come apart. Under the best of circumstances, I do not deal well with medical matters. These strike me as not the best of circumstances. Lately I find myself reading fluffy novels, watching bad television, taking my dog for work walks, going to yoga, and sometimes trying to tackle one of my volunteer things. Not a lot of volunteer stuff is happening. I’m sort of unable to drag myself away from the books and TV. Heck, I’ll even simply sit there. It’s like there’s nothing left in me for anything requiring my soul. I’ve been beating myself up about this for a couple of weeks. “Get off your butt and DO SOMETHING!” my brain screams. It falls on deaf ears. “Why are you just sitting there?” gets no response. This isn’t exactly depression, though that would be understandable. It isn’t exactly escapism, either. It’s as if my inner batteries have been drained past empty and I’m trying to recharge them with the weakest of power sources. today it came to me: I don’t actually know how to handle this. I am a fish out of water, a boat without a rudder, a plane without a pilot. I’ve decided one I hope useful thing. I get to read books, watch TV, and even sit there. I am allowed to do it until I’m so bored that I do something just to shake things up. My commitments can wait. I’m going through something hard. Maybe grace under this pressure is achieved by not doing things that increase my stress. An, yeah, I wrote that. Astonishingly, I even think I believe it.

As the past two entries might cause you to surmise, last week I had more than my fair share of crap landing on me because I’m blind. I knew it was getting to me, but truly didn’t understand how much until I bit someone’s head off.
I went to a discussion group on transgendered women’s issues that, from my previous experience, is essentially a fascinating discussion of gender with lovely servings of race, class, and sexual orientation politics added to the stew. The facilitator has always been extremely open to disability issues going so far as to send me an article ahead of time so I could read it and fully participate in the conversation.
Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe my frustration level was at the boil over threshold. Maybe I’m just human and like any member of a marginalized group sometimes want to not have to educate or explain, rather having everything simply be done the “right” way. Whatever the case, I lost it.
First, in trying to make a point about something being both intellectual and emotional, a person must have tapped their head and chest. It wasn’t clear initially, but through context I sorted it out. Then someone made reference to how they look. I didn’t understand her point because I had no way of knowing she has masculine traits. When the same person started telling a story using facial expressions that conveyed crucial information, I put up my hand and stopped her. The conversation then went something like this:
“Hang on a second. Could you please, please stop assuming everyone in this room is sighted. It’s pissing me off.”
She replied, “I didn’t know.”
“The dog under the table didn’t tell you?” I asked.
“I didn’t know what the dog was for.”
I said, “I know I don’t look blind, but still. You can’t just assume everyone here can see.”
She said, “My bad.”
It was awkward, I was intense in how I presented my point, and the entire room was silent for that moment afterwards that tells you everyone is uncomfortable with how someone behaved. And by someone, in this case I mean me.
I’m not even going to explain why I was justified in being upset because clearly I had good reason. I did not, however, have reason to be rude. I simply lost my cool after a week of being hemmed in by a world that assumes sight and cannot manage to think outside that particular box. I wish my ire had been directed at those who truly deserved it. Then again, when it’s an entire social structure to blame, how do you vent at the appropriate entity?

On the bus today, I heard the following conversation.
Woman: I can’t imagine being like Bob. I’m so grateful I’m not like that.
Man: I saw someone like Bob once. He was a judge.
Woman: :Wow, really?
Man: He did a good job.
Woman With all Bob’s issues, I can’t imagine what it took to go to college and then law school.
Man: Yeah, but if I were in court, I’d want a judge like Bob. I think he’d do a better job at deciding because of his issues.
Okay, so Bob is clearly me and these two people were obviously discussing blind people WITHIN MY HEARING.
I tried counting to ten. Still wanted to kill someone. I counted again. Still pissed. Then I decided to do the squares of numbers. By the time I got to 20 squared they were done talking. Thankfully.
I guess if I’d been brought up on murder charges, it would have helped to have the blind judge they were discussing. He would have understood the situation as justifiable homicide.

It’s been one of those weeks where becoming a hermit looks rather appealing. Multiple factors have contributed to an exponentially higher amount of contact with the Medical World. In the Blind Person v. Medical World war, I am currently getting my backside handed to me on a surgical steel platter.
I have a ten page form to fill out for a doctor. The PDF is an image not text. The office manager tried to turn it into text, but it doesn’t exactly work. I’m going to need to sit on the phone and go through the entire thing with someone.
That, however, had a better resolution than the next problem. I have an online questionnaire to complete for another doctor. They have designed certain parts in a way I can’t seem to negotiate. I made extensive notes on my answers and called the doctor’s office.
Once I explained the problem, the first question was so predictable, “Isn’t there someone who can do it for you?”
“Um, no. Can I email all these notes to someone so they can fill it out for me?”
“No.” I’m bringing my notes to the appointment in the hopes that someone will better understand the problem when my guide dog is standing by my side.
And the final bit of insanity. I need to have a study of my stomach’s ph level. There is great technology that allows them to monitor it 24/7 if I just carry around a little box. I asked the doctor, “Is sight necessary in any way to do this?” I was assured not.
Being skeptical, I asked the scheduler. “Yes, of course. you need to log your symptoms as they happen.”
“there’s no way around it?”
“No.”
“I can’t have someone with me 24 hours a day.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
She is leaving a note for one of the nurses who might be able to solve the problem. Otherwise, no stomach test to help us sort out the cause of my tracheal stenosis. Without being able to pinpoint the cause, I won’t be able to avail myself of the permanent solution.
People speak about the privileges I sometimes receive as a result of my disability – reduced bus fare, cutting ahead in lines, access to free audio books, extra time on tests, or being able to have a dog in a no pet apartment. I would relinquish them all, even the dog, to also rid myself of events like the above. Trust me when I say that lower bus fare is not compensation for the ongoing battles I must wage in the Blind v. Medical World war that is consuming my life.

I’m certain you are familiar with having to balance work, family, and social obligations, sometimes having to sacrifice one for the benefit of another. In my life, these trade-offs can be frustrating both because there are no good choices and outsiders do not comprehend the situation.
I have a small yard that has been fenced so my dog can go relieve herself without me needing to accompany her. This is a way to save a little bit of energy. A couple of times a week, someone comes along and scoops up all the solid waste and disposes of it. While not ideal in that odiferous items are left to perfume the air that other residents of my apartment complex must inhale as they pass, given my circumstances, it is the best I can do.
Should I be doing better with my guide dog? Yes. Blindness does not mean I cannot scoop after my animal. (In San Diego, I am exempt from having to do so by local ordinance, but that has little baring on whether or not a blind person has the capacity.) If I had typical health, I’d be ashamed of myself for leaving her droppings to intrude upon others.
My onsite property manager is not pleased with me. My scooper was on vacation and I let dog droppings sit for about six days. There was a mini, excuse the pun, stink over it because of the “smell” and in my opinion, because I got him in trouble. The multitude of cats living in my complex relieve themselves wherever they wish and smokers fill the air with toxic clouds without sanction. I, however, can’t leave some droppings for less than a week.
I know I should be doing better. I wish I could do better. An internal debate rages that goes something like this:
“Jen, can’t you just take her out on a leash four times a day?”
“Sure, but I’d have to give up something else. What should I sacrifice?”
“Don’t go out with friends. Give up one of your discussion groups. Stop some of your exercising. You have choices.”
“Those all contribute to my sanity or my physical health. If my life is reduced to what I should do, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be living that life.”
“You are a drama queen.”
“Yeah, probably.”
This is when I usually decide I’m pretty selfish and at its core, my choice to leave poop to scent the air so I can do things that make me happy is self-centered. Still, I cannot bring myself to handle the situation in any other way.
Situations such as this arise frequently leaving me feeling like I’m failing not living up to some internal standard of what it means to be a “good” person. Apparently, good people put all responsibilities ahead of everything else. Apparently “good” people bring new meaning to the word selfless.
I fail at being a girl because I don’t engage in typical female behavior: I avoid hairspray, refused to wear lipstick even for my sister’s wedding, think gender roles were made to be broken, and wouldn’t know lady-like behavior if it bit me on the backside. I fail at being a disabled person in that I’m not grateful the appropriate amount, tend to be demanding, and refuse to fit the expectations others have of what it means to have my disabilities. These are things I’m almost proud to fail at.
Failing to be a “good” person, on the other hand, bothers me more than I want to admit. I guess it’s because I actually want to be that “good” person and cannot manage it because I, depending on your perspective, either lack the selflessness necessary or do not have the physical ability. In either case, I am left feeling inadequate in one of life’s most basic endeavors.