Tag Archives: my personal insanity

PTSD. Again.

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In mid November 2013, I stopped writing in this blog. I had another traumatizing experience during a medical procedure and was unable to function normally let alone write anything that touched upon emotions. Coming back to this blog was prompted by a need to learn how to use WordPress on my iPad for the Braille Institute class. Then Braille Institute decided to establish a name badge policy and outrage worked as an awesome motivator.

Now it is time to write about what happened. As you read my recollections, please keep in mind that trauma is often stored in our brains not as narrative memory but as snapshots leading to disjointed recall.

I woke up from a trachea stretch with a tube keeping me from speaking and unable to move properly. There was a lot of chaos around me with people saying thins like, “Jen, squeeze my hand.” Nobody said things like, “Jen, I’m <insert name> and I’m going to do this.” Nobody appeared to be focused on keeping me informed of events or trying to establish a line of communication.

The tube came out quickly. The inability to move properly resolved itself. The damage was already done in the moment when I came to consciousness and couldn’t move, speak or understand what was happening, isolated in a scene of chaos. More trauma came as I learned that the situation might have been avoidable if better choices had been made by some of the clinicians involved.

Upon arriving home, I knew I would have some sort of reaction to my experience, but I wasn’t quite sure what. It took about twenty-four hours before the first signs became obvious. I walked across my kitchen and set the toaster oven tray in the sink. Then I crumpled to the ground in a ball and sobbed. There was literally absolutely no immediate cause for the tears. They just happened.

The uncontrollable sobbing became my life with tears unpredictably surfacing one to three times a day. I could be reading a book or chatting on the phone or sitting in a meeting and tears happened sort of like a sneeze – there are things you know will cause it, ways to possibly delay it, but sooner or later, it bursts forth.

Eventually I learned those delaying tactics, making being out in public somewhat more possible. Sometimes I was even able to identify what caused the tears and what emotions I was feeling. Once in a while it was even related to immediate events and not past trauma.

There is something unique about re-traumatization – having experienced trauma, developed PTSD and been successfully treated only to endure a situation similar enough to be the equivalent. then you are coping with PTSD from the recent trauma along with PTSD from your history of similar trauma. In some ways it is like light reflected between a multitude of mirrors so that the intensity of light is greater than any component part. It’s wildly exponential math. It’s emotion magnified, refracted, blenderized and placed in a pressure cooker with a faulty valve.

My entire life ground to a screeching halt. I gave up any notion of doing anything more than going to therapy, walking the dog and making sure we both ate and slept. I did things requiring use of my hands – sewing, baking, knitting – to fill my mind with something because it left less space for trauma. I didn’t visit my family for the holidays. I only talked to people who didn’t make me more upset. I kept asking for topics of conversation to be dropped before I lost it. Again.

Time passed and I was able to control enough of what was happening to begin tentatively living. Then, I knew another trachea stretch was on the immediate horizon because that’s how my stenosis works.

Part of my PTSD symptomology is that I cave in front of anyone I see as an authority figure or more of an expert in a field. Talking to doctors was harder than… crossing an eight-lane highway without a cane, dog or even audible traffic signals. I did it badly. I somehow got through it.

This time, the procedure went smoothly. With a positive experience the most recent in my memory, my life has settled down. I have been able to resume my regularly scheduled existence, just with way more therapy and a conscious commitment to real down time.

Here’s the interesting part. I’m being put back together in better shape than I was before November 15, 2013. I’m not doing it consciously, but I see things happening inside myself that I know will lead to a stronger me. I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around that.

 

A Letter to My Readers

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Hi everyone,

I have a funny feeling there are about 3 people who still remember this blog even exists, but….. Optimism, right?

I wanted to offer my apologies for completely blowing off this blog for over six months. Writing has nnnot been at the top of my priority list. Instead, I was running here and there, engaged in various community activities. I was attempting to live my life, as opposed to writing about my life.

Guess what? I miss writing more than I would have expected, a point driven home for me when I wrote something recently. I’ve been storing content over the past year or more, so I will be posting it, as long as it is still relevant, appropriate and reflective of my current mindset.

Hang on to your hats because some of this is rather intense. I’ve had quite the year.

 

Blinded By Jealousy

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Even when I was partially sighted, I never used the term “visually impaired” to describe myself because it was too avoid-the-reality-by-using-a-warm-and-fuzzy-word for my tastes. Instead, I simply used blind.

Life has recently caused me to re-examine my feelings about this. A friend who is partially sighted and I shop at the same grocery store. We’ve noticed that employees who have worked with one of us first then assume the other one is exactly the same in terms of abilities and needs. The initial blind individual a TAB meets seemingly becomes their working definition of what it means to be blind, shaping assumptions that inform their expectations, perception of needs and predictions of ability. When the same word is used to describe markedly different individual circumstances, TABs cannot manage to grasp the difference.

These TAB behaviors shaped by the assumptions formed from observation of two people self-described as blind but with differing vision are at the core of the tension between those who are totally blind and people with usable vision. The totally blind are annoyed with those partially sighted for creating unachievable expectations in the minds of TABs. Those with usable vision are irritated when totally blind individuals describe themselves as visually impaired for the lower expectations engendered in TAB minds.

Guess what the common thread is here? Expectations of TABs. Aren’t they the ones to hold responsible for their tendency to assume one blind person is representative of all blind people? Yet, within the blindness community, much energy is expended arguing about blind versus partially sighted instead of viewing TAB attitudes and actions as the source of the friction.

Unfortunately, all that neat and clean logic hasn’t helped me. Spending time with people who can see some and identify themselves as blind, I have increasingly become frustrated. Their usable sight puts tools in their toolbox I do not have in my own. With these tools, they are able to do things not possible for me. For example, follow another person without needing verbal cues, identify landmarks even if they are just a blob and perceive grass from dirt by color. While they may seem small, they add up to something meaningful.

There is a flavor of privilege in those who are partially blind that irritates me. By using the same term, the benefits of usable sight are dismissed as unimportant. Think about it. I can’t make eye contact and that has major social disadvantages. Someone partially blind may be able to simulate or achieve eye contact and reap social benefits. How is that not privilege?

I’m really struggling with all this. I think using the word “blind” to label yourself is completely understandable and reasonable regardless of the amount of usable vision one might possess. I just equally find it frustrating that the privilege bestowed upon those with some vision goes unacknowledged by them. I want such individuals to call themselves whatever they want, understand they have privilege kind of like African Americans who can pass as white have privilege and not pretend we are exactly the same. Privilege is about socially sanctioned benefits based on social perception of the individual. If I could pass as a white, able bodied, heterosexual man, then even if I were a black, disabled, female lesbian, I would still receive privilege. How unfair would it be to pretend otherwise?

Happy Blogiversary!

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Four years. I’ve been doing this for four years. Though I’d like to say I’ve been a dedicated and consistent blogger, that is definitely not true.

It this blog were to be represented by a geometric shape, it would have 3 sides of about equal length to illustrate the first 3 years, then a truncated line on the fourth, making it a trapezoid.

Thanks to my readers for sticking with me throughout the insanity. I don’t promise for sanity to suddenly blossom forth, but I do promise to share every last bit of the insanity. Look at it as a car crash you are not only allowed to gawk at but in fact encouraged to ogle.

Grated Cheese

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No, I’m not going to make some esoteric comparison between grated cheese and some aspect of disability. This is simply a story about grated cheese.

To demonstrate that my stressed-out state heads more in the direction of depression than anxiety, I told my psychiatrist (not FabTherapist) about the following event:

Getting ready to make an omelet, I went to the refrigerator to fetch the sautéed vegetables I had, the already grated cheddar and other useful ingredients. The Ziploc bag of cheese was not where I’d left it. It wasn’t next to where I had left it. It wasn’t anywhere that I looked.

So, I sat down on the floor before the open fridge and sobbed. Inconsolably.

My psychiatrist said, “Well, that’s about your disability…”

Um, until that very moment, I hadn’t thought about it in those terms. I was just a person who couldn’t find something and had a very intense, dramatic response. Blindness had nothing to do with it. The thought, “If I could see, I could find the stupid cheese,” never crossed my mind.

The psychiatrist, though, went there immediately. I find that fascinating.

Magic Words

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About a year ago, I hit a wall known as My social Life Sucks. Nothing I tried – and I tried everything short of a personality transplant — seemed to increase my social connections or generate more emotional intimacy in my life.

Enter my fabulous therapist – a fifty-year-old man who somehow gets it. He’s made it clear from day one that he knows nothing about disability, yet I felt more understood in my first session than I have with the majority of my friends. When I tell him I think I get ignored in groups because I’m disabled, he not only believes me but understands why it happens. That’s valuable in a way words cannot express.

We have hit an impasse related to my social interactions with non-disabled people. FabTherapist believes there are a string of words I can say that possess sufficient potency to get people to notice who I am. A carefully crafted handful of sentences have the power to shift perception from “Blind, incapable, weird looking person” to “Smart, funny, intelligent woman.” His argument is that people meet someone like me and suddenly don’t know their role. For a stranger, the situation is full of unknowns, fears and a general sense of uncertainty. Giving them some context and a function in the social dynamic will allow them to feel comfortable with me, freeing them to notice who I am.

I believe words have power. They don’t have that much power. Non-disabled people need time and exposure to move past their initial impression. The problem is that most don’t take that time and in fact, their subconscious writes me off often without consulting the conscious mind. There are no magic words to subjugate this process.

Okay, there is something that has the power to derail things – shock. It’s why some women with disabilities dress provocatively — to shock potential dates out of the “not sexual” mindset.

What would I need to do in order to shock people? Would that be in line with my personality?

“Yes, I’m blind. Be careful. You don’t want that to cause you to underestimate me. That would be a bad idea.” The last sentence would be delivered with a slow smile. Not even sure I’m capable of a slow smile on purpose let alone uttering those words.

If I could conjure up the MagicWords, I still get stuck on the idea that I should have to say them. It’s not my job nor should I take on the task of easing non-disabled people past their prejudice. Disability is not exclusively the responsibility of the disabled. As a society we have created this state of affairs and as a society we should deal with it.

Besides, if I noticeably aid people in coping with their discomfort, I’ve set a precedent. “You made me comfortable, Jen. Now, when it comes to your disability, I expect you to do all the rest of the work too.” Do I want to establish such a pattern?

Yet, inaction will not change anything. Principles are great, but they don’t make you feel loved and valued.

Besides, women have needs. And hormones. and needs that go beyond hormones.

Reason’s Vanquisher

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In excruciating detail, I can create a voluminous list of all the ways it is communicated to me that I am of less value because I am disabled.  I can then offer explanations and arguments to counteract each item.  My skills are sufficient to convince you that I have worth.

 

Now if it would only work on myself.  Reason is a wonderful tool that is not adequate to the challenge of conquering the emotions of irrelevance and devaluation that currently rule my insides.  My reason lacks the tensile strength to overcome the indomitable force these negative thoughts and emotions wield.

 

The depression I’m experiencing because of current life stress and mental health issues definitely saps reason’s strength.  It does not, however, generate the need for reason to be so powerful.  the might reason would need to surmount the negativity is defined by the power of that negativity.

 

What is responsible for negativity’s capacity to overpower reason?  Society in general and the individuals that act out its beliefs in particular.

 

The thoughts and feelings an individual has about disability informs their actions and those actions transmit those beliefs to people with disabilities.  Complimenting a mundane task demonstrates the lower expectations used to judge the person with a disability.  Refusal to accept a “No thanks” to an offer of help illustrates devaluation of the disabled person’s judgment.  Even running up from behind to hold a door for a person with a disability conveys the assumption that the person was unable to do it themselves.

 

Whether it is meant or not, whether it is intentional or not and whether the intricacies are understood or not, behavior communicates beliefs and those beliefs have power.  A lot of power.  Counteracting them takes a significant and constant force of will.  It is a battle people with disabilities engage in each and every day.  It is a war without an end in sight where victory is never possible because the “enemy” has an endless supply of assets.

 

There are a lot of battles I’m currently fighting and they are consuming vast resources.  I have nothing left to wage war against the societal devaluation that comes at me without end.

 

Words and deeds matter.  Take care that you are not unintentionally contributing to the strength of the negativity people with disabilities must beat back each and every day.  And, if you need self-interest as motivation, remember that non-disabled people become disabled each and every day.  The negativity you put out there might turn on you down the road.  Do you want to battle it?

 

What does It Take?

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I’m convinced there’s some unknowable and Mysterious Act that if I only discover and do, I’ll get the support I need. Telling people I’m not alright hasn’t worked. Appreciating the support I do get so as to encourage more fails. The other day at the end of a rough yoga class, I spent five minutes sitting in a fetal position. Even that didn’t elicit a single expression of concern.

I’m beginning to feel more than desperate for some ongoing support. In my soul, I feel a scream building that might explode at any moment. I want to grab one of the people who purportedly cares about me and shake them as I ask, “What do I need to do to get you to notice the emotional hell I routinely occupy and get off your ass and do something?”

What ever happened to unselfish compassion? Loving someone enough to do what they need even if it’s inconvenient and hard? Acting without someone giving you explicit, help-by-the-numbers directions? And I’m not talking about a one-shot deal here. I’m talking about consistently over a period of time being there for someone *because someone has to*.

Pragmatically, the support also needs to come from more than one source. I do have a couple of people who make their supportive presence known, but each has other responsibilities that necessarily come first. They do what they can. They cannot do it all. That’s why people have a collection of friends, not just one.

As a society, I have noticed the tendency to approach life with a triage mentality. Unfortunately, the measure of what is and is not emergent solely seems to rest upon how much smoke is visible. What looks worst at an unthinking glance gets the attention. I, who communicate my struggle with simple, calm words doesn’t look like a critical case. Stooping to theatrics in order to be seen as worthy of aid strikes me as wrong. And, in fact, it would lend credence to and affirmation of behaving badly in order to get attention.

I don’t want attention. I want support. They are not the same thing. If they were, then I’d be thrilled when people pour on the praise for my mundane “achievements.” Since I tend to cringe, brush off the compliment and change the subject, I can pretty much assure you that attention and support are not synonymous.

Instead, when I seek support, I get things like:

“Jen, I can’t even imagine dealing with what you deal with, so I don’t know what to say to you.”

How about this: “I can tell you are truly upset and hurting. What can I do to support you while you deal with it?” Now was that so hard?

“Jen, you are so inspiring. How you deal with what you deal with amazes me.”

Well, great. The amazement has become the center of the conversation, making it about the other person and pushing my pain into some dark corner. So helpful.

“Jen, I can’t watch you be so negative. It’s too painful to me.”

Now the other person’s pain has trumped mine because watching me go through hard stuff is harder than going through the hard stuff. How is that even possible?

“Jen, I know it will be alright.”

Great. Meanwhile, I’m in pain, but it has been dismissed as unimportant because it won’t last forever.

By word or by deed, many who say they care about me dismiss, minimize and otherwise make irrelevant the overarching reality I occupy *right now*: I’m fighting my way through some very difficult, painful things without sufficient, reliable support. How can that be acceptable to anyone who truly feels affection for me? I no longer doubt that I deserve and am worthy of support. I now question the affection others express. Is caring real if it never translates from

I’m convinced there’s some unknowable and Mysterious Act that if I only discover and do, I’ll get the support I need. Telling people I’m not alright hasn’t worked. Appreciating the support I do get so as to encourage more fails. The other day at the end of a rough yoga class, I spent five minutes sitting in a fetal position. Even that didn’t elicit a single expression of concern.

I’m beginning to feel more than desperate for some ongoing support. In my soul, I feel a scream building that might explode at any moment. I want to grab one of the people who purportedly cares about me and shake them as I ask, “What do I need to do to get you to notice the emotional hell I routinely occupy and get off your ass and do something?”

What ever happened to unselfish compassion? Loving someone enough to do what they need even if it’s inconvenient and hard? Acting without someone giving you explicit, help-by-the-numbers directions? And I’m not talking about a one-shot deal here. I’m talking about consistently over a period of time being there for someone *because someone has to*.

Pragmatically, the support also needs to come from more than one source. I do have a couple of people who make their supportive presence known, but each has other responsibilities that necessarily come first. They do what they can. They cannot do it all. That’s why people have a collection of friends, not just one.

As a society, I have noticed the tendency to approach life with a triage mentality. Unfortunately, the measure of what is and is not emergent solely seems to rest upon how much smoke is visible. What looks worst at an unthinking glance gets the attention. I, who communicate my struggle with simple, calm words doesn’t look like a critical case. Stooping to theatrics in order to be seen as worthy of aid strikes me as wrong. And, in fact, it would lend credence to and affirmation of behaving badly in order to get attention.

I don’t want attention. I want support. They are not the same thing. If they were, then I’d be thrilled when people pour on the praise for my mundane “achievements.” Since I tend to cringe, brush off the compliment and change the subject, I can pretty much assure you that attention and support are not synonymous.

Instead, when I seek support, I get things like:

“Jen, I can’t even imagine dealing with what you deal with, so I don’t know what to say to you.”

How about this: “I can tell you are truly upset and hurting. What can I do to support you while you deal with it?” Now was that so hard?

“Jen, you are so inspiring. How you deal with what you deal with amazes me.”

Well, great. The amazement has become the center of the conversation, making it about the other person and pushing my pain into some dark corner. So helpful.

“Jen, I can’t watch you be so negative. It’s too painful to me.”

Now the other person’s pain has trumped mine because watching me go through hard stuff is harder than going through the hard stuff. How is that even possible?

“Jen, I know it will be alright.”

Great. Meanwhile, I’m in pain, but it has been dismissed as unimportant because it won’t last forever.

By word or by deed, many who say they care about me dismiss, minimize and otherwise make irrelevant the overarching reality I occupy *right now*: I’m fighting my way through some very difficult, painful things without sufficient, reliable support. How can that be acceptable to anyone who truly feels affection for me? I no longer doubt that I deserve and am worthy of support. I now question the affection others express. Is caring real if it never translates from

I’m convinced there’s some unknowable and Mysterious Act that if I only discover and do, I’ll get the support I need. Telling people I’m not alright hasn’t worked. Appreciating the support I do get so as to encourage more fails. The other day at the end of a rough yoga class, I spent five minutes sitting in a fetal position. Even that didn’t elicit a single expression of concern.

I’m beginning to feel more than desperate for some ongoing support. In my soul, I feel a scream building that might explode at any moment. I want to grab one of the people who purportedly cares about me and shake them as I ask, “What do I need to do to get you to notice the emotional hell I routinely occupy and get off your ass and do something?”

What ever happened to unselfish compassion? Loving someone enough to do what they need even if it’s inconvenient and hard? Acting without someone giving you explicit, help-by-the-numbers directions? And I’m not talking about a one-shot deal here. I’m talking about consistently over a period of time being there for someone *because someone has to*.

Pragmatically, the support also needs to come from more than one source. I do have a couple of people who make their supportive presence known, but each has other responsibilities that necessarily come first. They do what they can. They cannot do it all. That’s why people have a collection of friends, not just one.

As a society, I have noticed the tendency to approach life with a triage mentality. Unfortunately, the measure of what is and is not emergent solely seems to rest upon how much smoke is visible. What looks worst at an unthinking glance gets the attention. I, who communicate my struggle with simple, calm words doesn’t look like a critical case. Stooping to theatrics in order to be seen as worthy of aid strikes me as wrong. And, in fact, it would lend credence to and affirmation of behaving badly in order to get attention.

I don’t want attention. I want support. They are not the same thing. If they were, then I’d be thrilled when people pour on the praise for my mundane “achievements.” Since I tend to cringe, brush off the compliment and change the subject, I can pretty much assure you that attention and support are not synonymous.

Instead, when I seek support, I get things like:

“Jen, I can’t even imagine dealing with what you deal with, so I don’t know what to say to you.”

How about this: “I can tell you are truly upset and hurting. What can I do to support you while you deal with it?” Now was that so hard?

“Jen, you are so inspiring. How you deal with what you deal with amazes me.”

Well, great. The amazement has become the center of the conversation, making it about the other person and pushing my pain into some dark corner. So helpful.

“Jen, I can’t watch you be so negative. It’s too painful to me.”

Now the other person’s pain has trumped mine because watching me go through hard stuff is harder than going through the hard stuff. How is that even possible?

“Jen, I know it will be alright.”

Great. Meanwhile, I’m in pain, but it has been dismissed as unimportant because it won’t last forever.

By word or by deed, many who say they care about me dismiss, minimize and otherwise make irrelevant the overarching reality I occupy *right now*: I’m fighting my way through some very difficult, painful things without sufficient, reliable support. How can that be acceptable to anyone who truly feels affection for me? I no longer doubt that I deserve and am worthy of support. I now question the affection others express. Is caring real if it never translates from feeling into action?

When There Are Words

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It’s odd how having words to describe a situation changes how you relate to it. The mess going on inside of me hasn’t actually morphed into something that is comprehensible. Having words, especially ones I can share with others, feels like the same mess is encompassed by some sort of boundary in which it resides without spilling over.

I’ve already used many, many words to describe the portion of the mess associated with my feelings of isolation and lack of human connection. I now have a way to describe the other portion related to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and described in recent entries.

I experienced childhood medical trauma that led to adult onset of PTSD. With therapy, I was able to manage the symptoms and make inroads into recovery. For me surgery of any kind bares enough similarity to my original traumatizing experiences that my brain tended to react as if it was trauma. Over a two and a half year period, I underwent seven surgical procedures and with each the PTSD symptoms were less – a net gain in PTSD recovery.

Then, I was traumatized by events surrounding a surgical procedure. At the time, I did not respond significantly to the trauma aspect, instead suppressing much of the emotional response. With yet another surgical procedure on the immediate horizon, there has been a resurgence in PTSD symptoms including nightmares and triggering of flashbacks and body memories.

Words. All neat and clean. I’m slightly worried that my ability to convey them in a calm manner is in fact me further suppressing my emotions and that what feels like containment is in actuality minimization of the real trauma I experienced. Guess we will find out.

 

A Tale of Two Extremes

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It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Or, well, at least a striking dichotomization of the medical profession.

In September 2011 to deal with the ongoing saga of my tracheal stenosis is, I had minor surgery. A procedure with which I am familiar, I still somehow experienced a vast amount of related stress. In fact, a surprising resurgence of my PTSD caused me to rethink a prior conclusion that it’s under control. Then we had a power outage that pushed the procedure date back five days, so by the time the event arrived, I was a bit overwhelmed.

The first speed bump in the day came when I was told the gastroenterology folks concluded they needed to do a procedure on a different day to assess how my stomach might be contributing to my stenosis, potentially requiring some sedation. Overwhelmed as I was, life became entirely black and white where probably meant would and since anything between fully alert and fully knocked out is terrifying for me, the thought of the whole thing unglued me.

There are some things you might not consider unless you’ve been a blind person in multiple medical situations. Typically, medical professionals do not know how to keep you informed of events around you. Extreme amounts of focus to track events from the data you can gather help, but any kind of sedation destroys essential concentration and memory leaving you wondering what’s happening as you fade in and out. In case it’s not obvious, that kind of disorientation plays badly with PTSD and is why I either have no drugs or get totally knocked out. You also cannot be certain of privacy, who has entered your designated space, or where your nurse went. Therefore, when I was told about the GI decision, I couldn’t curl up into a Miserable Ball of Jen. With hindsight, I know that was for the best, but at the time I didn’t have such clarity.

Then the pendulum swung to the opposite apex of it’s arc as I went into the O.R. Unlike other times, I ditched stoicism and made my mental state clear. Everyone, and the room was populated with people I knew, was great. They did two things exactly right: casually kept me aware of what they were doing and engaged in distracting conversation. It was fine. I was fine. Never thought I’d experience that.

Waking in recovery, I needed oxygen. Without a nasal airway, a mask is the only option. It’s also the most upsetting medical thing I can imagine. But, wait, the Anesthesiology Nurse had a flash of brilliance when she cut a whole in a Styrofoam cup and I used that like a funnel to direct the oxygen at my face. Personally, I’m nominating her for sainthood.

Soon, though, I was smacked down to earth as I listened to the plight of my neighbor. As he came to consciousness, a breathing treatment was being administered. Unable to clearly speak, he still had questions. As someone who wakes up with a few of her own, I could empathize with his situation. I guess Recovery Nurse couldn’t because she politely then not so politely ordered him not to speak. There was no effort made to communicate in another way — no pen and paper offered, no yes and no questions asked, and no reassuring words to explain how his surgery went. Nothing.

From experience, I know how to gesture for pen and paper. I also (thankfully) can write without looking. In his shoes, I could have gotten what I needed to feel safe. Most people do not have my vast experience or coherence upon regaining consciousness. In this man’s Johnny, I would have been utterly petrified.

I’m starting to wonder if my experiences with the institution of medicine as a blind person is simply the result of a continuation of cluelessness. It’s not so much that they know what to do with non-disabled folks, but fall short when it comes to blind people. They just don’t know what to do with anyone.

The notable exception Is obviously the Pulmonology folks and Anesthesia Saint who apparently were given empathy and clue shots along with their new employee orientation.